7 Ways Mothers-in-Law Make Wedding Planning More Difficult (2024)

Even the most rational, loving, and well-intentioned mom can make wedding planning more difficult for her future daughter- or son-in-law. Sure, while the effects are rarely as dramatic as rom-coms make them seem, conflicts between those getting married and their mothers-in-law are extremely common, especially in the early stages of wedding planning. That's why developing healthy communication patterns with your partner's mom is an important part of building a strong foundation during your journey to the aisle.

“If you feel that you are in a relationship with someone that you see yourself marrying, it’s important to invest time in that relationship with their parents,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Lauren Mollica. “The wedding planning process is just an example of overcoming stress or an obstacle together, and when you are married to someone there will be bigger things that you will have to come together to tackle. Developing a relationship where sharing feelings is normalized sets really great groundwork.”

Another way to help mitigate wedding planning conflict? Being fully aware of the issues that could arise before you begin planning, and understanding why these problems typically happen. That said, we asked the experts to break down the seven most common conflicts soon-to-be-weds typically experience with their mothers-in-law while wedding planning—including tips on how to handle each situation. Here's everything you need to know.

Here's Why Mother-in-Law Conflicts Generally Arise During Wedding Planning

Most conflicts that arise during wedding planning are about emotional insecurities, transitions, and family history—not truly about the color of the welcome bags or the cost of the band. “Historically, this can be a pivotal time where there might be clashes between how a [person] was raised, family traditions, and moving towards acceptance from the mother-in-law that her [child] will be creating [their] own traditions and priorities,” says Mollica. “It’s a big moment of reflection when it comes to new family boundaries that are being created, and that can be a scary feeling at times. The bride [or groom] is also coming in with their own traditions and values; it creates this dance of fear and defensiveness that can get really ugly.”

Your partner’s relationship with their mother can also impact the emotions that surround this major milestone. “Weddings can bring up a host of emotional issues for families,” says Dr. Akua K. Boateng, licensed psychotherapist. “Unmet dreams and failed expectations can be the source of conflict. It is a parent's attempt to navigate their relevance within the child's life as they reckon with the potential loss of connection and dependence.”

7 Ways Mothers-in-Law Make Wedding Planning More Difficult (and How to Respond)

Before diving into the most common mother-in-law wedding planning conflicts, keep in mind that all disputes can be handled and resolved with firm boundaries, an open mind, and compassion. According to Dr. Boateng, “Make space to welcome your mother-in-law’s memories of her own wedding, or dreams deferred, that hold special meanings for the family history. When people feel heard they soften. How you navigate this time is a preview of how you will handle moments of conflict in the future—fair, loving, respectful.”

Mollica agrees and also states that honing in on your communication skills with your mother-in-law, before you tie the knot, can set you both up for a better future together. “Although having conversations and setting boundaries with your mother-in-law might be difficult, doing it together definitely makes it easier and is great practice for times in your marriage where, as a couple, you have to navigate setting boundaries with others—which happens more than you think!” she adds.

Below, here are the seven most common ways mothers-in-law make wedding planning difficult, the reasons why these issues typically arise, and ways to handle each situation.

Consistently Expressing Negative Opinions

While your mother-in-law’s endless complaints might drive you insane, her negative reactions to your wedding details might be an imperfect way of communicating other emotions. “They may be feeling excluded, or that the values that they raised their child with aren’t being honored,” says Mollica.

Dr. Boateng also points out that a vocal mother-in-law may be processing the idea that she’s no longer the main decision-maker in the family or realizing that her own vision for her child's wedding might not happen—or, she may just naturally see the downside of most situations. “She may be experiencing a loss of relevance, have a personality that leans towards a negative view, or [be] expressing failed expectations,” she says.

How to respond: “Schedule a connection call to talk about what would help her get excited about the day, as well as any failed expectations she might be experiencing,” says Dr. Boateng. “Make sure the [your partner] is the liaison of the sit-down. Finding ways to include her, as well as give a piece of ownership could be very helpful.”

Steamrolling the Wedding Planning Process

On the other hand, instead of obvious and vocal negativity, some mothers-in-law smile while steamrolling the bride and groom over everything from the hotel block to the linen color. “I believe that a mother-in-law who is trying to control every detail typically is just a manifestation of their own anxiety,” says Mollica. “I have worked with many clients who struggle with anxiety symptoms, and feeling in control, or that everything has to be perfect, [is a way to create] a false sense of security.

How to respond: Remember that behaviors rooted in anxiety are about her, not you. “It more than likely comes from a place of wanting their child’s special day to go wonderfully,” says Mollica. “But it might be a flag to the bride and groom to have a sit down with the mother-in-law and explore what pieces she’s most anxious about, and see if there can be a solution achieved together.”

Always Operating in Panic Mode

A stressed-out mother-in-law who’s bombarding a bride or groom with daily calls and texts about the to-do list doesn’t make wedding planning any easier (or more enjoyable). If her sense of panic is impacting your mood, or if she’s made it clear she doesn’t trust you and your partner to make decisions without her, that’s another sign that she is working through her own worries. “Typically, a mother-in-law who is panicking about plans, or is expressing a lack of trust in the couple putting the wedding together, is more than likely struggling with anxiety and wanting to feel a sense of security and control,” says Mollica.

How to respond: Married life is going to be full of decisions you make with your partner, and it’s important for your mother-in-law to understand she won’t always have the final say. “A mixture of boundaries and compassion could be helpful here,” says Dr. Boateng. “Express your desire to make decisions with your partner and a shared interest in a beautiful outcome.”

Inviting Guests Who Aren't on the List

Wedding guest lists often require compromises from both families, and a mother-in-law who continues to add her own friends and relatives—without the couple’s approval—is setting up a potentially awkward situation. “Sometimes, brides and grooms will specifically leave certain family members or friends off the list because they are trying to preserve their special day, and if this person shows up it can cause conflict or discomfort,” explains Mollica. With this in mind, couples should address this situation as soon as possible, no matter the reasoning on mom's end.

How to respond: Ideally, a graceful reminder of how you decided on your final guest list will be enough to make her stop. “This is a really great opportunity to reset boundaries surrounding the wedding—a jumping-off point for a conversation with the mother-in-law about why it’s important that she asks first, and how it’s important that your wedding day adheres to your preferences,” says Mollica. “It’s important to share with your mother-in-law so they have an understanding of this boundary that you need to have in place, in order to enjoy your day to the fullest!”

Using Money to Control Everyone's Behavior

Disagreements over wedding spending can pop up even among the closest families: If your in-laws are contributing, they may feel they should have more say in who you hire, who you invite, and how the money is spent. “Dangling that card, in a nutshell, is manipulative,” says Mollica. “It’s a control behavior, and I would be curious as to why the mother-in-law is feeling the need to control someone else’s wedding.”

How to respond: Avoid this awkwardness by discussing where the funds will go before you accept them. “When gifts are given, there can be unexpressed expectations about how this gift can be used,” says Dr. Boateng. “Before the gift is received, it can be helpful to ask about any expectations that may accompany it. If your vision or peace may be disturbed, it is appropriate to decline the offer. In the event these measures were not taken, it could be helpful to ask and determine if you are able to fulfill these expectations.”

Asking for Final Approval Over the Seating Chart

A mother-in-law who insists on designing the seating chart for her friends and relatives is most likely trying to avoid any day-of drama. “Typically what it boils down to is two people not wanting to sit by each other because they don’t get along,” says Mollica. “At the end of the day, you can’t control the feelings and behaviors of others; if they want to be there on your special day, they are going to have to utilize some coping skills.”

How to respond: This is a situation where your mother-in-law’s fluency in the dynamics of her family will be helpful to your overall wedding experience. “When it comes to concerns over seating arrangements, try to sit down and have a conversation about where the concerns stem from,” says Mollica “If it works with what you have planned, and is an easy switch, it might be better for everyone (including both of you!), to not place them by each other so that there’s no weird energy on your special day. If this isn’t possible, the reality is that they are two grown adults who need to hold it together for a few hours.”

Requesting to Get Ready in the Bridal Suite

Your mother-in-law joining you in the bridal suite is just one example of potential conflicts over how each side of the family is involved on the wedding day. “Getting ready for your wedding in the bridal suite the day of, in American culture, tends to be an event in itself,” says Mollica. Your mother-in-law may also have expectations for how involved she and her family are in the rehearsal dinner, wedding showers, bridal party, and reception speeches—and her vision may not match yours.

How to respond: Ask her to join you and your bridesmaids for Champagne and socializing for part—if not all—of your wedding morning. “As long as you have a healthy relationship with your mother-in-law, I think it’s important to extend the invite,” says Mollica. “You want your mother-in-law to feel like she’s part of the crew, too.”

This also extends to the other elements of your wedding: Balance your personal boundaries with respect for the future you’ll share with your in-laws. “Weddings are held as sacred and symbolic for many families,” says Dr. Boateng. “Compromise is important when you have the capacity to yield and it won't sacrifice your vision. You want to demonstrate a willingness to honor the relationship you two are building.”